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Holy shit!!!
look it's me typing out an entry. . . .
let me see what exactly has occured. . . .
My cats died. . .biscuit was hit by a car and my cat Faux Pas. . .that i've had since i was a year old finally had to be put to sleep. . .all the constants from my childhood are leaving me. . .and i guess i just have to deal with it. . . .
actually no i'm not dealing with it to well. . .i just tell people i am because i know no matter what they say it won't help. . . .i'm sitting here waiting to see what element from my childhood will leave me next. . .I could go on and vent. . .you all could try and call me up to talk to me . . .but like I said nothing anyone can say will help. . .childhood is done with whether i like it or not and as the years go by more and more of my childhood will disappear and leave me with only pictures and embellished memories of a simpler time.
oh this is coming out way too bitter. . .
I still work five days a week at 20/20 video. . .and while not working my ass of there I can mostly be found at home doing random ass chores my mother decides to assign to me. . .
once again coming out way to bitter. . .
alright here's some happy stuff. . .
my friends are awesome. . .Lindsay I haven't seen as much as I would like. . .but we still call and catch up on occasion. Kandee. . . .my lord we have crazy times. . .we got to go to a "She Wants Revenge" concert for free and ended up all the way in the frontrow. . .at which point the bass player handed me his pick at the end of the show. . . .then we go out on the weekends to club Bang! and Beat it! no they're not sex clubs . . .contrary to their names. . .but the clubs are awesome and we always end up with unforgettable evenings. . .that we will never be able to share with our children someday. then of course there's Hayley. . .I got to visit her up or down in Santa Barbara ( I always forget which way it is) then we got to go to the best concert ever we got to see BECK!!!!!!!! now I really don't now that much about him but I got free tickets due to my connection at work so I said sure. . . .but in all seriousness the man is amazing live . . .and whether you like him or not stil go pay money to see his show. . .and I guarantee you you will enjoy it. . . .
i'm trying to think if i've missed anything. . . .
on the love life front it's pretty much been non existant. . . scratch that it has been non existant. . .8 months . . .yes that's right. . .8 fucking months of no fucking, heavy petting or even a peck on a cheek. . . .i think cobwebs have started to form in my crotch. . . .no joke. . . .but as of this past weekend to cobwebs were dusted away. . . .I just hope i haven't completly forgotten how to do everything and end up giving a BJ like I'm 13 all over again. . . .
times gone by way too fast. . .and i have so little to show for it. . .
hope my life this next year is way more eventful (in a good way). . .
2 more months and i'm 21. . . .let the day just come please. . . .
ah well that's it. . . .enough of my ramblings. . . .i'm tired of typing about myself so i'm sure you're tired of reading it. . .
ta ta. . . |
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Jun. 12th, 2006 @ 09:16 pm
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very super quick update. . .
I'm still working at 20/20 video . . .and am still fighting off the 40+ men who seem to think i'll go home and watch porn with them.
I filmed a PSA . . .it was shown at a hollywood benefit hosted by star jones and Pierce Brosnan was honored. . .it was an 800 seat benefit. . .800 important hollywood people saw my face 50 feet high. . .pretty awesome. . .but alas acting wise that is all I have done. . .i'm feeling unfullfilled in that area. . .
the perks at 20/20 video are pretty nice though. . .customers have offered me front row seats to the Bill Maher show anytime I want . . .and on wednesday I am going to go see She Wants Revenge at the Wiltern. . .for FREE!!!! and in the first 10 rows. . . .AWESOME!!!
On another note my house has gone cat crazy. . .a bunch of the ferile cats living in our neighborhood had kittens . . .we took them and raised them so they are very used to people. . .we have no room for any more cats though so they all have to be given away. . .my digital camera s broken. . .and for 4 days I had no internet. . .hence why there are no pictures. . .but they're really cute and if you all know anyone please send them my way pretty please . . .they're free but they're my babies and I don't want to just give them away to someone I don't know.
uuummmm. . . .i think that's it.
oh!1 and i'm driving up to Santa Barbara on Friday!!!! to visit my favorite person in the world and help her move as well as take in the crazy after finals party weekend. . .woot!!
ok i'm done that wasn't very short but I tried. . .
take care everyone. . .
jen |
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so work at 20/20 continues. . . .
yesterday i ran into one of my middle school teachers. . . .he was renting porn.
I don't mind the fact that men rent porn. . .I just don't want to know what it is. . .i don't care if my dad rents it just as long as I don't know what it is. . .a daughter really doesn't need to know if her dad rents trannie porn. . . .I don't think he does. . .and frankly if anyone reading this knows. . .don't tell me.
then there was the man who asked for my number as he's renting porn. . .he didn't just ask for my number. . .he asked if I enjoyed working with porn, he asked if I enjoyed watching it and then wanted to know if I wanted to come over some time and watch it with him. . .take a wild guess as to what my answer was. . . .no. . .but i had to say it in the nicest way possible because god forbid we discourage customers from returning to our fine establishment.
then as I was putting the returns back into our computers I came across a rather greasy case. . . .you may ask yourself as I did. . .why was this adult video greasy???. . . .and then you may come to the same conclusion i did. . ."oh my god, i'm touching a case that was last used when a man had lube on his hands. . . .(and we all know for what reason). . .holy shit I have to go wash my hands!!!!". . . .maybe I'll wear gloves from now on.*shudders* you can't even imagine the mental pictures that went through my head. . .
then there was the 80 year old man who has come in three times in the past month buying porn for "Stag Parties". . . .alright . . .you're 80 . . . .how many stag parties do you go to in a month??? c'mon just be honest. . .then he proceeds to ask for "FAG" porn. . .he has a hearing aide so he says it a bit louder then he needs to. . .actually a lot louder. . .he has asked for "Fag" porn twice this month. . .
let's see what else. . .shall I go on about the abundance of homophobic fathers who don't want anyone to know they're renting "Brokeback Mountain".or how about my story about the 60 year old pimp who came in wearing an all purple suit and told us his secret to getting ladies, the there's this woman who comes in smelling sssoooo good i'd sleep with her and all she'd have to do is ask. . . .now you may think that odd. . .but you don't know what she smells like, or I could go into more porn stories. . .
but alas I shall save that for a later date. . .although I know you all waiting with baited breath.
it's been raining alot here. . .i'm going to The Whiskey on Saturday to see "Chronic Remorse". . .an awesome band . . .sorry shameless plug. . .it's my best friend's boyfriend's band. . .i gotta help out. . .even though I think they're good. . .no really. . .
I think i'll go to the beach when it finally gets nice out. . .and when I finally have a day off.
well that is all. . .my life is boring and tedious. . .
hope you all are well. . . |
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I have recently been notified of my lack of updates. . . .
well the world of jennie hasn't been too exciting recently. . .
since i've been home it's been interesting. . .I've realized how much i missed the people out here. . .how nice it is to call someone up anytime of the day and say" hey, you wanna do something??" i know it doesn't seem like that big of a deal . . .but it means alot to me.. .it's the little things you know??
I can already feel that i'm probably going to mumble through this and it will only be coherant and understood by me but whatever. . .you want to try and understand that' fine.
i need to find myself a happy medium. . .in the burgh i was alone all the time I listened to my music, I read my books, i socialized when I wanted to, i ate when I needed to, i went to sleep at any hour and woke up whenever I felt like it. I had the freedom to do what I want when i wanted to.
now i'm here. . .when i'm not at work putting the plastic smile and look of indifference on my face "why, hello sir, will this be all for you? Alright (insert random small talk here) your total will be $14.05. . .ok "ah shit! white mama", "slant eyed sluts", "My daughter's fucking blackzilla", and "I can't hold it, I gotta pee" are going to be due back in 2 days. . .oh and "bambi" and "beauty and the beast" are due back in 7 days. Thankyou sir. . .would you like a bag??. . .alright have a nice day.
****Note:::: i am not making this up to be funny. . .all those are REAL titles you can check them out. . . .who knew pissing fetishes were so popular??
so anyways while i'm not ringing up guys buying porn while trying to give me their phone number. . .i go home. . .i try and sit down and all of a sudden i am bombarded by my mother's almost complete insanity.. . ."do you realize what I've had to put up with while you were "just" at work???" and i have to do the dishes and do the cat litter and make sure my sister is doing her homework. sure i d get to sit down after a few chores but it isn't really relaxin' when you're trying to sit there and eat your dinner and your mom is saying "jennie, should you really be eating that much" "are you sure those are your jeans?? because they don't look like your size" . . .or i'm getting hounded about how my father disrespected her. . .which I know is bullshit because the only one passing out the insults or riding on a highhorse is my mother then finally at 11 or so I go back to my yurt (which is pretty flippin' sweet, not gonna lie) i'm tired I want to sleep and I pass out only to repeat the same pattern the next day
to make a long story short. . .
too late on that one I think. . .
i went from complete independence to a "big brother is watching you" world. I have no privacy. I have no time to worry about the bills in pittsburgh. I have no time to call my friends because by the end of the night i'm so tired of people i just want to curl into a little ball and forget the world. . .and because of that I've dropped the ball in what could have been great oppourtunities for me.
my life isn't my own when i'm in the clutches of my mother.
hell. .neither is my dad's or my sister's. My mother is so dissatisfied with her own life that she has to live vicariously through us. . .in doing this i feel like she's making me just as hollow as she is. . .and dare I say it. . .
my mother's turning me into her. . . .
I loved the independence i had in pittsburgh. yet I love the friends i have here. i just wish i could find a place in between my east coast life and my west coast life. . .
god am i bitching in the most long winded way possible. . .
well some things are positive here. . .
I went swimming today. . .
it was something like 80 here.
i can drive and not get lost . . .
being in the hollywood hills at sunset watching the sea of lights is amazing.
realizing that having the ability to sleep naked any day of the year (with no heat on) was truly a gift that I took for granted.
everyone here really does want to be a writer, actor. . .or extra in a movie . . .and realizing that what tracy turner told us in acting class was true . . .just having two years of college will put you above half the people in LA. . . .seeing community theatre here proved that point completly.
i love the vibe here. . .it's undiscribable unless you've felt it yourself.
i love this town and MOST of the people who are in it, but most of all i love how I was able to slip back into my old routine and have it feel like I had never left.
maybe some more entries will be coming soon. but truth is I don't need to update as much because I don't need to write about my life to let my real friends know what's going on. . . .because i could just go out to coffee with them.
hope the few east coasters who read this are doing well, hope the two in england are enjoying themselves, hope those still going to point park are enjoying it and following their heart, hope you boys are finding your perfect girls and girls their prince charming's, and not gonna lie I hope a certain pizza boy does decide to come out to LA some time in May .
well I hope i've given you all insight to my wonderful life. . . .
Sweet dreams and may they someday come true. . .
Jennie |
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so here's what i've been doing since I got back::::
keeping my parents from killing eachother. . .
building my house in the backyard (ask more questions if you really want to know)
playing with my sister. . .
eating likea pig since I finally have food enough to do it. . .
gaining weight due to food consumption. . .
defending my life, my choices, my looks to my mother every waking moment. . .
living out of two suitcases. . .
sleeping on a couch until my house is built in the backyard. . .
Profession wise:::
I am officially an employee at 20/20 video on victory and sepulveda . . .it has one of the largest selections of porn in the valley. . .so boys you need porn i'm the one to ask.. . .i start work friday after christmas.
I'm set up to be doing a play with the Lonny Chapman Theatre group (Sean Penn started there) some time in febuary. . .it's Danny and the Deep Blue Sea by John Patrick Shanley. . .i'll be the youngest female member in the group so my resume will get built up nicely.
I met the assistant to the president of ICM talent group (they represent a ton of movie stars) . . .I thwarted his advances quite well. . . i may sleep around but sleeping with someone just to get my headshot in the right hands is still labeled as wrong in my few standing morals.
so that is all. . .so happy to be back. . .lifes been crazy here. . .so pardon the unanswered phone calls and e-mails. . .i'm trying to build someplace to live within the next four days. . .before my stuff actually arrives from Pittsburgh. . .not the easiest thing to do.
love you all and feel free to call or stop by anytime.
P.S. . .god this 60 degree weather is killing me. . .mwah haha. |
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And the pittsburgh chapter of my life is over. . . .
Leaving tuesday morning at 6am. . .
if you care to say goodbye. . .
I'll be at my house all day today packing stuff up. . .or call you know the number.
and I fade quietly away. . .
Dec. 12th, 2005 @ 05:27 pm
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| » Moving day. . . |
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moving day today. . . .my life is fitting in a 6' x 7'x 8' container. . .sheesh.
so as of 20 minutes ago I no longer have a bed to sleep in. . .and by the end of the day I won't have a couch to sleep on either. . . .the floor will still be here though
in all of my days and days of packing i didn't have time to think about actually getting all these boxes into the container i'm moving them in. . .so right now it looks like me, myself and I will be packing. . .hell i already moved my mattress and boxspring downstairs . . .down two flights of very narrow stairs i might add. . .I'm tougher then I look my friends. . .and I did it all without fucking up my acrylic nails. . .yea I rock. . .
i say this now but I think by the end of the day i might want to die.. .
i'll still be in the burg until Tuesday. . .if you wanna see me before I go (or perhaps help me out today. . .wink wink, nudge nudge, know what I mean, know what i mean ) you all know where I live or give me a call. . .
(818)261-9038. . . .
Jen "i'm going to need alcohol and vicadin after this" nie
p.s. if any of you are going to miss me alot might i suggest a sleepover???. .  ( i love my subtle hints)
Dec. 8th, 2005 @ 09:07 am
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| » i'm back. . . |
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I feel like I should say something. . .like it will help.
But i know all it will do is bring out the anger and sadness i have buried so deep inside of me.
i'm not angry with my grandmother. . .i'm angry with myself for not being home. . .i'm angry that I had to spend an entire year away from home. . .some of that time I could have spent with her. I could have heard those wonderful stories one last time. I'm angry that she never went to the doctor because she was scared of finding out what was wrong. I'm angry that in the end, because she didn't have a will, all six kids are fighting over what to do with her ashes and who gets what belongings. I'm angry that it had to come down to this to get the family to actually talk to one another.
So I have all of these feelings pent up inside of me that i've been able to push down so i can stop the crying . . .and I go back to Point Park only to find we've lost Rob.
i don't know how to react around everyone else. . .everyone who hung out with him everyday. I got asked the other day. . .did you know him?? yeah. . .better then anyone knows actually. I talked to him a few times this summer and this semester. . .no I don't mean a "hi" in the hallway. He talked to me about his friends and his family. i could go on and on trying to recall all that was said. . .trying to think how i might have said something wrong. What i'm trying to say is how can I go walking down the street crying for someone no one even knows I knew.
I think the reason i'm so angry is because i'm really quite upset by it all, but anger is so much easier to deal with. I don't think it's wrong to be angry. . . .of course all feelings are twenty twenty hindsight. . . .i coulda shoulda woulda. . . .i'm not angry with either of these people. I'm upset that I didn't do more for them or worry more about them. i'm upset i didn't reach out because I always thought there would be a tomorrow.
As corny as it sounds, what hurts you the most makes you the strongest.
but it has because everytime someone wants to talk now ,i'll never hesitate, when someone calls i'll always answer. When I see someone I recognize i won't wait for them to awknowledge me. when someone means something to me i'll let them know.
Because in the end what we regret most is not saying hello when we wanted to, not giving that hug when you were compelled to and always posponing telling someone how much they mean to you until tomorrow.
While typing all this i've been watching Four Weddings and a Funeral. . .at the funeral one man reads this to his signifigant other who has just passed away. All the line don't relate to me but it's how i've felt, so here it is:::
Funeral Blues
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
--W.H. Auden
Love you all more then you know,
Jennie
Dec. 6th, 2005 @ 08:53 am
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| » a survey. . . . |
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| About Me Personality Quiz | | What is your name?: | Jennie Huston | | How old are you?: | 20 | | When is your Birthday?: | Oct. 1st | | What is your zodiac sign?: | i'm a zebra!!! | | Where were you born?: | Burbank, CA | | Where do you live now?: | i'm going to be living ina ggiant tent in my parents backyard. . . . | | What color eyes do you have?: | olive green | | What color hair do you have?: | wine red | | How tall are you?: | five foot three | | How much do you weigh? (Be Honest Ladies): | well to be honest. . .more then i'd like | | What is your race?: | irish, scottish, and i'm part dirty latino. | | What is your worst fear?: | being alone. . .never getting to say goodbye to someone who matters. | | Do you smoke?: | yes. . .don't give me crap now | | Do you drink?: | like a fish. . .i love Dr. Pepper :-) | | Do you cuss?: | i try fuckin' not to but I can't fuckin help it. . . | | Do you use drugs?: | only the gateway drug. . .but I shall never go through the gate. | | Have you ever or will you ever steal?: | i was 12 and was stupid. . .and was arrested.. .i was a rebel without a cause | | Are you dependable and/or trustworthy?: | only if it goes both ways | | Do you play in a band or play an instrument?: | my voice is my instrument. . .but I am also great at the kazoo and have limited experience with a Jew Harp | | Do you have any tattoos and/or piercings?: | a dragon on my neck, a rose( for my sister) intertwined with a four leaf clover on my hip bone | | If you had a favorite serial killer who would it be?: | Jack the ripper | | Do you suffer from depression disorder?: | yes | | If you had a choice about how you wanted to die what would it be?: | peacefully in my sleep at 102 | | Have you ever tried to commit suicide?: | yes | | Have you ever purposely caused harm to yourself or someone else?: | physically to myself yes. . .emotionally to a few people. . .but only if they'd done it to me first. | | What subculture do you belong too?: | Drama Freaks. . .i am also a ninja hunter . . .gotta be from home to get that one. | | Are you evil?: | it's hard to be kind easy to be cruel. | | Do you believe that you can be possesed?: | i have been possesed. . .by the urge to sleep for days on end | | Are you a paranoid person?: | i can get that way | | Do you ever get jealous of somebody else?: | people who are famous with no talent. . . | | Are you obsessive and/or compulsive?: | i have my quirks but nothing insane. | | Are you a violent person?: | ask my pillow | | Do you take your anger out on other people?: | no because then I would be my mother | | Do you blame other people for your mistakes?: | no because then I would definately be my mother | | What is your favorite game?: | playing someone else | | What is your favorite movie?: | i honestly can't answer that. . .it changes depending on my mood | | Who is your favorite band?: | beatles | | What is your favorite song?: | have yourself a merry little christmas it makes me tear up everytime. | | What kind of books and/or magazines do you read?: | I love Anne Rice and Dave Sedaris. and I love rolling stone | | What is your favorite color?: | Purple | | What is your favorite food?: | sushi | | What is your favorite drink?: | strawberry milkshakes | | Do you own a pari of converse?: | i've always had a pair in my closet ever since I was four. | | Do you own a pair of dickies?: | no they never fit me right | | Would you ever kill yourself or someone else?: | jury's out on that one | | Are you a virgin?: | hold on. . .my 3 am is here ;-) | | Are you kinky?: | yes | | Do you like biting?: | oh my god. . . . | | Do you masturbate?: | how is someone else supposed to know what you want if you don't | | Do you watch pornography?: | for a laugh. . . | | Have you ever dyed your hair an unusual color?: | no but I always wanted purple hair | | Have you ever shaved your head in a socially unacceptable way?: | no i love having my hair | | Are you hyper active person?: | only when I do sugar shots | | Are you religious?: | i have faith. . .not religion | | Do you have any self inflicted scars?: | yes | | Does pain turn you on?: | depends on the type of pain | | Do you stand for originality and creativity?: | there's nothing more important | | Do you like meeting new people?: | if they're nice | | What do you like most about life?: | the unpredictability | | What do you dislike most about life?: | the unpredictability | | Do you believe in love at first fright?: | no someone scares me i'll kick them in the balls and tell them to screw themselves | | Have you ever pierced a body part yourself?: | i'm a coward | | Have you ever had to beg for dinner money?: | haha. . .yes | | Do you own a car?: | nope i borrow | | Have you been to jail, yet?: | no | | Are your clothes held together with safety pins?: | i'm not that tacky | | Do you have actual scars from punk rock shows?: | no but i want some | | Have you ever vomit while making out?: | funny story. . .I cheated on someone once. . .and when I kissed them again i almost vomited because i was so disgusted with myself. . .i was seventeen. | | Have you held a job for less than a day?: | i was just a stand in on CSI:NY ffor one day then I left. does that count | | Do you own more than two pair of jeans?: | yes i love wearing pants | | Have you ever had to fuck stuff up for no good reason?: | oh hell yeah | | Have you ever been kicked out of your parents house?: | haha almost this past week | | Have you ever been fired from your job because of your attitude?: | nope. . .i'm very professional at work. . .would ya believe it?? | | Does the world piss you off?: | yes | Take this survey | Find more surveys
You've been totally Bzoink*d |
Dec. 1st, 2005 @ 03:14 am
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| » California. . . |
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So here we go. . .
I'm at home.
I was in San Francisco for a week cleaning out my grandmother's house. . . .it was me, my two uncles, and my dad. I had to hold my father while he was bawling his eyes out after seeing my grandmother.
in another turn of events My Uncle Patrick had tickets to a Bonnie Raitt Concert. . .they were $100 tickets. . .so what I had expected to be a time of sadness sprinkled with brief moments of happiness ended up not so bad.
I'm making this sound insensitive because if I really started to get into the emotional rollercoaster that has been my past week. . .i'd break down not a little but seriously. . .I already have broken down but doing it while staring at a computer screen just isn't my cup o tea
I am my father's daughter as was proved by the way we handle our grief. . .by diffusing it with humor. To wallow in sadness is pointless and I know that's how my grandmother felt. The whole situation was sad but it was a time of remembering the good times and I think we all did well.
then there was the nine hour drive home on saturday. . .we stopped in San Luis Obispo. . .drove down to Santa Barbara where I got to meet up with hayley and took the 101 the rest of the way down the coast. it was a great drive and in a way. . .my dad and I finally got to do that second road trip we always wanted to.
once home I saw my sister and my mom. . .my sister is huge. . .by that I mean tall. . .all of my cats are beautiful and i remember that . . .yes. . .I do have the coolest cats in the world.
on sun. I went with my dad and uncle patrick to the storage area and put all of grandma's stuff in there. . .then we went to see my aunt Irene who is in a home. . .i'm just glad my grandmother went peacefully and didn't have to spend the last of her years in a place like that. . .it's horrible. . .the thing nightmare's are made out of. . . .anyways. . .before I go off on another tangent. . .BTW my aunt has her own room and they take care of her. . .it's just scary seeing people in the last years of their lives rolling down the hallway asking if I know where their daughter is. . .you loose alot of faith in the human race after going to a place like that.
after we left irenes. . .my mom and I drove to Nonnie's house. . .she seems fine. . .although she still wants to know why we're not letting her drive her car.
then I drove my sister to dance class. . . .
My Grandmother looked beautiful. . .we literally thought she would just jump up and say "Gotcha". . .it was eerie.
but the funeral home did a great job. . .
I guess concentrating on the business side of things just makes things easier.
It was a nice service and i'm glad I got to see her. . .it meant alot.
Here is where I need to be. no if's and's or but's.
I really haven't had a chance to see anyone. . .if you feel like hanging out gimme a ring. . .I have a car.
oh and another thing extra super duper thanks go to the saint who kept me company before I left and took me on that midnight adventure and drove me to the airport. . .you're better then you give yourself credit for.
Nov. 22nd, 2005 @ 11:21 pm
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| » . . . . |
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My grandmother Nonnie is ok. . .she's recovering from the stroke at home now.
BUT,
I saw Hair on Saturday Evening, I didn't get a seat so I stood in the back the entire time. Then I went to the gas station with my roomate and some friends, to do the stereotypical cigarette run. my phone rings. . .
My other grandmother; Grandma Micky, my father's mother, passed away lastnight. She died peacefully in her sleep. it's odd to see this written out.
i love both my grandmothers. Nonnie is always around and therefore we've had our heated arguments but this family of mine never would have made it without her, she is our pillar of strength. Micky was different. she would drive down for the holidays she'd sit around and drink her coffee (much to my mother's shagrin) and tell stories of what it was like living in turkey and thailand and all over the U.S. she was filled with silly stories about my dad and his crazy antics. Even though I nagged her to tell me the same stories every holiday, she obliged, always adding in some new story which would be added to the list of stories she would always have to tell. One spring break she picked me up from home and we took the three hour drive up to San Luis Obispo and I stayed with her for a week. We went climbing on a sea wall, running across the stones in a creek behind her house. She took me to a toy store and bought me my first breyer horse (you all know the ones). She was the sterotypical (and yet, completely unique) grandmother, she spoiled me rotten. When Hannah was born it was grandma Micky who lifted me up so I could see my sister in the nursery. . .
It was a few years ago when she started to change, i'd ask her to tell me the same old stories and although I could recite them by heart, she had started to not remember them.
The last time I saw her I was leaving for school last christmas. . .she took the five hour drive down from northern california just so she could say goodbye to me. I was packing all of my things together, my friends were over and it was an overall hectic event. She came inside, said hello to everyone then asked me to come outside. She gave me a good old bear hug and said "well that's nice to know. . .that pretty little girls do grow up to be beautiful" not a word of "do good" or "Make me proud" she just said I was beautiful and that she loved me. And she left, she drove five hours just to tell me she loved me and drove five hours back.
she was the only person I ever knew, whom I never argued with, who never raised their voice to me, I never felt judged me, or who ever questioned my decisions, she never demanded anything from me.
She was truly an amazing inspiring woman.
I don't know what christmas will be like this year without that smell of coffee (she was always the only one who drank coffee) and the sound of her calm patient voice reciting those good old stories like no one else can.. . .
I miss her like crazy.
Nov. 13th, 2005 @ 06:56 pm
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| » please let it be nothing. . . |
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I had the first nightmare i've had in a longtime.
it really shook me up, I feel like I should call my mother.
It was so fuckin' vivid. . .and felt so forboding.
with what has been going on lately with nonnie it scared the hell out of me.
here I am bawling my eyes out over a dream.
i've been sitting here for half an hour shaking.
God I hope everything is alright.
Nov. 5th, 2005 @ 07:32 am
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| » update. . . |
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just another update. . . .
I'm coming home on dec 13th at 9:40pm. . .I love flying into Los Angeles at night. . .it's a sea of glowing lights. . . especially before Christmas.
then I'm returning to Pittsburgh to move all my shit out on January 17th at midnight. . .I should be back for about a week and then I'll be home again.
on another note. . .
My grandmother, Nonnie, woke up this morning feeling numb on her right side. Basically she had a mini stroke. . .she seems fine now. . although she seems to think i'm only 18 and that hannah's 13. . .but normally she should recover from all this it's temporary. . . but those sort of temporary mini strokes tend to be warning signs for something more serious. They're keeping her in the hospital for a few days just on case she has an actual stroke.
so say a prayer for her if you could. . .
Nov. 3rd, 2005 @ 11:12 pm
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| » Home Sweet Home. . . |
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Well I haven't written in here forever. . . .just haven't felt like it. . .plus not a whole lot to say.
Plans for me leaving Pittsburgh went into full force today. . .Moving truck should be here on Dec. 12th. . . .when I leave town is a whole other story. . .depending on finding someone to sublet and whatnot. but it should be in the beginning of December.
so I will be in Pittsburgh for another month and a half. . .then it's goodbye snow goodbye everybody. . .and Home Sweet Home. . .FOREVER!!!!
the time for goodbyes has come fast. . .
but the time for hugs from old friends seems so far away. . . .
I'll be back in "The Valley" by Dec. 15th. . . .I CAN'T FUCKIN' WAIT!!!!!!
If you want to see me before I leave or when I come back gimme a call.
(818)261-9038
Oct. 21st, 2005 @ 07:49 pm
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| » hmmm. . . |
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I want love. . .and should it be this hard to find it????
I guess all the pain you go through trying to find it makes it all worth while in the end.
*sigh*
a few romantic comedies will do that to a girl.
I feel some vodka is in order.
*la sigh*
Oct. 5th, 2005 @ 11:14 pm
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| » My Party. . . . |
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well I never posted about my birthday party. . .the stress that day was pretty much insane. . .I had to get my grandfather to buy the alcohol for me, taking that I am not 21. Of course my grandfather was supposed to be at my house at 1:30. . .ends up getting here at 5:00. . .5:00 on the day of the party and I still don't have any alcohol. We went to a beer distributor and then had to go to a separate store for the hard Liquor (because this is Pittsburgh and they still have those damn puritan laws) total I spent $250 on the party so I was hoping it would turn out good. My cousin Maia and her friend Brooke come over to help me set up. After it was all set up I took a shower and while stepping out people show up. . .
The party went well. . .I was rushing around the entire time, so therefore I wasn't drunk. . .and I swear I didn't know half the people there. But no one fought, the cops never showed up, no one threw up, everyone enjoyed themselves and by the end of the night I made all my money back plus $50.
so enough of the set up here are a few pictures that I actually had time to take::::
Kyle then serenaded me. . .I got serenaded on my birthday how awesome is that!!!!!
more party guests:::::
and by 3 am we had a small group left all smiles::::
So because I am the worst influence in the entire world. . .I gave Nick about four shots of vodka consecutively . . .and then asked him to do a flip for me (he's a gymnyst). . .so at 3 am while drunk (among other things) Nick did a flip on my sidewalk. . .
i had a very enjoyable evening. . .and I loved my birthday presents. . .and the next morning I was left with this:::
so that was my 20th birthday party. . . .
it was a blast and if you all recall my birthday last year. . .I was very happy I didn't end end up bawling my eyes out.
the night was great and I send my appreciation to all those who helped make it great. . .you know who are.
now I just have to decide what I want to be for Halloween. . . .
Oct. 5th, 2005 @ 03:41 am
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| » ODDDDDD!!!!!!!!!! |
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people from highschool are engaged. . . .
way too fucking weird. . .
I wish them the best. . .but honestly. . . .
it seems like just yesterday I had met these people. . . .
dude 5 years ago. . .it's been 5 years.
it still burns. . .ah being cryptic and turning it back to me.
I feel old. . .
Oct. 4th, 2005 @ 03:01 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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It's my birthday. . .and I didn't cry. . .
at least at 4 am i haven't cried yet. . .
Happy birthday to me!!!!!
Oct. 1st, 2005 @ 03:47 am
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| » announcement. . . . |
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This is what I deserve for my birthday (I stole this from someone who had stolen it from someone else.)::::::
To find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot.
Who calls you back when you hang up on him.
Who will lie under the stars with you.
Wait for the boy who kisses your forehead.
Who wants to show you off to the world when your are in sweats.
Who holds your hand infront of his friends.
Who thinks you are just as pretty without makeup on.
One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares & loves being with you, & how he's the luckiest guy in the world to have you..
The one who turns to his friends, smiles &says, "yeah.. thats her."
Any men who fit this criteria please appear at my house tonight with a big bow on your head so I am not distracted by a bunch of losers.
on another note:: just in case you were unaware. . .Party at my house tonight. . .why?? you may ask. . .
It's my birthday!!!!!!!!
actually it's tomorrow. . .but shhh.
Sep. 30th, 2005 @ 03:09 pm
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| » just flow with me on this one. . . |
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I am a vapid shell of the human being I once was.
I used to make people happy, I used to know what to say to mediate a bad situation. People used to want to be around me, now i'm just clinging to anyone who even bothers to give me a second glance with an iron grip and just making them run the other direction as fast as they can. Rather than waiting for a relationship to grow I throw myself into the deep end giving everything I have to give just so I have someone to hold me for the moment they can still stand me. Therefore, I have become the queen of one night stands. or maybe i'm just reading into this too much and I just suck in bed.
My dad and I had a nice long talk tonight, to reminisce on the simpler things in life was just a welcome release. Unlike conversations with my mother where I just have to sit and listen to how horrible i'm making her life, I was actually able to explain things to my father. I was able to say why my recent trend has been to not pick up the phone, how everytime a call comes in it's not just to berate me but now to tell me someone else has to have some operation, how another grandparent has lost their mind and needs assistance, or how some other constant in my life has fallen to shit. That sometimes i just don't want to pick up the phone because i'm afraid another pillar in my life will fall into ruin. That sometimes I just want to run away from it all and disappear. Not exactly the best way of dealing with things I know. . .but try and tell me a good way to deal with your life falling apart???
i'm not good with eluding to what is wrong. . .i can't stand typing those entries with the cryptic bullshit. . .I have shit going on and when I read my old entries I want to know what I felt was wrong with my life at that moment rather then trying to read through the lines of some obscure simile and remember what the fuck I was talking about.
Today was a peculiar day. The air was so crisp and fresh yet forboding. I just kind of got the feeling of something to come. . .i'm sure i sound insane. but it's the same as smelling pumpkin spice and thinking of thansgiving you know???? it was just one of those Fall smells which i just associate with this time of year and good old memories as a kid.
I'm going everywhere with this entry. I spent an hour bawling in my room. . .so i'm hoping this is clarity i'm being struck with and not some crackpot revelations which will leave me the minute I close my eyes to sleep tonight.
unfortunately I feel as if it might be the latter.
sweet dreams till sunbeams find you. . .
sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you. . .
Sep. 28th, 2005 @ 01:53 am
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